Maps to Self: my Wholehearted Story

This guest post from Sylvia Barnowski explores how our maps to self can create the deepest of wholehearted journeys.

This is the 13th guest post in our Wholehearted Stories series on Quiet Writing! I invited readers to consider submitting a guest post on their wholehearted story. You can read more here – and I’m still keen for more contributors! 

Quiet Writing celebrates self-leadership in wholehearted living and writing, career and creativity. This community of voices, each of us telling our own story of what wholehearted living means, is a valuable and central part of this space. In this way, we can all feel connected on our various journeys and not feel so alone. Whilst there will always be unique differences, there are commonalities that we can all learn from and share to support each other.

I am honoured to have my friend Sylvia Barnowski as a ‘Wholehearted Stories’ contributor. Sylvia shares how experiences and influences in her life have led her to the concept of ‘maps to self’ as a valuable guide. This is a practice she cultivates and shares with others through her creative work and spiritual practices. Sylvia also weaves creative work that has been part of her self-discovery process through this piece. Read Sylvia’s reflections on her journey of discovering her maps to self to guide your story!

Sylvia is hosting a giveaway on the New Moon (7 November Northern Hemisphere time) on Instagram. The lucky winner will receive a 2019 Moon Mandala wall calendar. More details below at the bottom of the post.

The longer I live the more my story changes. Maybe because the story has so many layers, or maybe because everything looks different in hindsight. There was a time in my life that I thought I had found the answers to the deepest questions only to realise that even the best answers can change over time. So, the questions remained: who am I? what is life all about? why I am here? what is my purpose? how to live my life?

These questions never really leave me and as I move throughout the chapters of my life, they stay under my skin, settling comfortably in the chambers of my heart as they wait for the right moment to burst out onto the surface. As I move forward, all I am getting are the hints for the next step, my inner knowing is my compass and I realize that this is the way it always was, even when I thought I was stuck or lost. The answers and the maps were always within.

Secret destinations

Martin Buber wrote:

Every journey has a secret destination of which the traveler is unaware.

And with passing years his words resonate with me more and more. I don’t know my destination, and finally I see this as a part of the adventure not a curse. There was a time in my life that I was angry about this. I was jealous about other people’s straight paths, how they knew which direction to go, how they had their one thing that they were good at and were able to pour their energy and passion into it. They were able to create something, become someone, while I was always searching.

For years, I didn’t know who I was becoming. Even though I don’t like labels, I wished there was a way to describe me and what I will do “once I grow up”. I had too many interests and wasn’t willing to let go of most of them to choose only one. Unable to choose one way of living, I often felt fragmented and wanted to find a way to integrate the separated selves into a one neatly designed life. It was not until recently that I started to make peace with the way my life is turning out. Deep down, I still believe that one day things will make more sense, but I don’t fight with myself anymore, I’m learning to embrace who I am right now and trust the unfolding process. I’m learning to embrace my secret destination.

Expansion and change

I finished Fine Art school in Poland and worked as an artist and graphic designer at one of Krakow’s Cultural Centres. Even though I loved my work and the daily creative process, my soul wanted more. It was not enough for me to create; there was a part of me that needed to dive deeper. I applied to a Religious Studies program with the hope that learning about what each religion has to say about God will give me the answers not only to the question about the meaning of life but about God himself.

For the next five years I worked as an artist during the week and attended classes on weekends. I didn’t get the answers I was looking for, instead my mind opened to new concepts and I learned to see things in a new way. I learned about philosophy, psychology, sociology, mythology, cultural anthropology, and about all the religions of the world, starting with the primitive cultures and ending with the contemporary sects. I discovered the work of William James, Carl Gustav Jung, Joseph Campbell, Stanislav Grof, Mircea Eliade to name a few that made a huge impact on my understanding of myself and the world around me. I became fascinated with the mind, the unconscious, spiritual practices and experiences, I fell in love with the mystics, shamans and a few outcasts. I felt the expansion.

As Emerson pointed out

[t]he mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions

and that was exactly what happened to me during the time spent at the university. My mind stretched beyond what I thought was possible and I became deeply changed by this experience.

The next step to a new path

I never had a chance to find out what I would do when I finished my Master’s degree because as I was writing my Master’s thesis (about one of the outcasts), I met my husband. He was visiting Poland but he lived in Canada and I knew that the next step on my path was to move to the other side of the ocean with him. I packed two suitcases and took the three chapters of my master’s thesis with me and left Krakow to start the next chapter of my life in Calgary. I never finished my thesis realizing that the energy I would have to spend on writing it and going back to Poland would be better invested in my new life.

Even though it did seem like the fairy tale about the prince who arrived on a white horse and took me with him (and in many ways it still is), it did not mean that immigrating to a new country and starting my life over again at the age of thirty was a piece of cake. There are many lessons I learned over the last 15 years as an immigrant and then citizen of Canada; but two realizations stand out the most. I discovered my own resilience and I finally (just recently) recognized and acknowledged how lost I felt throughout all these years.

Looking for yourself in what you do

I often return to this poignant quote by Eckhart Tolle, because I see so much of myself in it. Tolle says:

[t]here’s nothing wrong with doing new things, pursuing activities, exploring new countries, meeting new people, acquiring knowledge and expertise, developing your physical or mental abilities, and creating whatever you’re called upon to create in this world. It is beautiful to create in this world, and there is always more that you can do. Now the question is, are you looking for yourself in what you do? Are you attempting to add more to who you think you are? Are you compulsively striving toward the next moment and the next and the next, hoping to find some sense of completion and fulfillment?

If I am honest with myself my answer is yes, I was looking for myself in pursuing all the achievements since my immigration. At the same time I felt I was following my inner compass every time I said “yes” to the opportunity for growth. Before I could figure out which direction I wanted to go in this new place, I had to learn English. As soon as I was able to write an academic essay in English, I applied to a Social Work program to kick off my Canadian education. At that time, I had already given birth to both of my children and when I graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in Social Work my son was seven, my daughter five and I was almost 40 years old.

Learning and further expansion

Once I started the learning I couldn’t stop. Things and opportunities were lining up. As soon as I completed one thing, the next was waiting around the corner. I certified as an Embodied Awareness facilitator, became a Reiki Master-practitioner, trained in Expressive Arts Therapy, completed a Master’s Degree in Clinical Social Work, became a spiritual, life and energetic coach and shamanic practitioner. I’ve worked as a counselor, first at a shelter for abused women, then at a distress centre where I mostly worked with suicidal clients and people in crisis. I created a program for caregivers, and worked in hospitals with people with chronic and terminal illnesses in various outpatient clinics and in the emergency department where I still work today.

Finding time to create and trusting the path

Throughout all these years while concentrating on raising my children and achieving yet another goal, I still tried to find time to create. It was more like “stealing” time for something that was nourishing and making me feel alive. I often felt like I was living two parallel lives and even though they were feeding and complementing each other, one was always more visible than the other. I feel like I have arrived at the point, where I don’t want that separation anymore. The need for integration was always present but it is the first time in my life that the circumstances are allowing that integration to finally happen. It is a conscious striving to bring all the parts of who I am together.

I still don’t necessarily know where I am going. I still don’t see a clear path ahead of me but I learned to trust that the path will show up as I move forward. It always does. On the days that I forget, get frustrated or doubt I remind myself Joseph Campbell’s words:

If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path.

I might not know exactly where the path will lead me but I found a few things that help me to stay on the right (for me) path. They became the practices that bring me back to myself: creative process, self-inquiry, and co-creating with life.

Creative process

Creative process is an integral part of my life. We are all creative beings even if we are unable to see and believe in it. Creating makes me feel alive, maybe because when I create “I” disappear. I do not create art; my work is about self-expression. My practice is intuitive. I am interested in the process of discovery, of finding out what will happen next on the paper or canvas. This is a process that requires trust, and it is so similar to the way I live my life now. In my work I often use self-portraits; it is not a sign of vanity but an intrinsic need to tell my own story and to witness who I am becoming.  

Self-inquiry

Neale Donald Walsch wrote:

 The deepest secret is that life is not a process of discovery, but a process of creation. You are not discovering yourself but creating yourself anew. Seek, therefore, not to find out who you are, seek to determine what you want to be.

As much as I like this particular quote, I believe that in life there is a need for both: the discovery and the creation. I want to understand myself and my motives, and I want to face my fears. This is why self-inquiry and working with the unconscious is so important for me. Sometimes the understanding happens on an intuitive level and there are no words needed to explain the shift but I found writing to be a powerful outlet for this inner work practice. I am a fan of Jung who said:

who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.

Looking inside might not always be easy but I found it is always a rewarding experience.

Co-creating with life 

In our society, we establish goals and make plans to achieve them. We often push ourselves to complete the task without paying attention to our true needs. For many years this is how I operated, like everyone I have been conditioned to act that way. It seemed that “pushing” had its benefits, it helped me to achieve a lot. But ultimately pushing too hard for too long manifested as an autoimmune disease in my body and that way of being in the world was no longer a viable option for me.

For the past few years, I intentionally paid attention to life seasons and cycles and learned the way of ebbs and flows. I started following the moon and watched as my life became a dance of co-creation. There are many ways to create and the ultimate way I found is to co-create with life. I am still working on balancing these two approaches as both – the masculine and feminine ways of being in the world – are needed.

There are definitely more things that I learned over the past 45 years of my life but these three practices became a way of bringing me back on the right track. As an empath, social worker and humanitarian, I am much attuned to other people’s needs, but I am finally learning to listen to my own needs as well. Lately, Howard Thurman’s words serve as my guide:

Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

I’m working on it!

Giveaway!

Sylvia is hosting a giveaway on the New Moon (7 November Northern Hemisphere time) on Instagram. The lucky winner will receive a 2019 Moon Mandala wall calendar. This beautiful calendar was created by April Miller McMurtry from The Moon Is My Calendar and one of Sylvia’s mandalas is featured there. To participate, look for this picture on Sylvia’s Instagram fed and follow the instructions. Good Luck!

Important and inspiring books:

Creative Process

1. Art as Medicine – Shaun McNiff
2. Art is a Spiritual Path – Pat B. Allen
3. Art is a Way of Knowing – Pat B. Allen
4. Big Magic. Creative Living Beyond Fear – Elizabeth Gilbert
5. Maps to Ecstasy. A Healing Journey for the Untamed Spirit – Gabrielle Roth
6. The Art of Dreaming. Tools for Creative Dream Work – Jill Mellick
7. The Artist’s Way. A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity – Julia Cameron
8. The Courage to Create – Rollo May
9. The Creative Connection. Expressive Arts as Healing – Natalie Rogers
10. The Crossroads of Should and Must – Elle Luna
11. The Mandala Workbook. A Creative Guide for Self-Exploration, Balance, and Well-Being – Susanne F. Fincher
12. Trust the Process – Shaun McNiff
13. Wild Creative. Igniting Your Passion and Potential in Work, Home, and Life – Tami Lynn Kent

Writing

1. At a Journal Workshop. Writing Access the Power of the Unconscious and Evoke Creative Ability – Ira Progoff
2. Bird by Bird. Some Instructions on Writing and Life – Anne Lamott
3. Heal Yourself with Writing – Catherine Ann Jones
4. Life’s Companion. Journal Writing as a Spiritual Practice – Christina Baldwin
5. Pain and Possibility. Writing Your Way Through Personal Crisis – Gabriele Rico
6. Poem Medicine. The Healing Art of Poem-Making – John Fox
7. Freeing Your Life with Words – Susan Goldsmith Wooldridge
8. Saved by a Poem. The Transformative Power of Words – Kim Rosen
9. The New Diary. How to Use a Journal for Self-Guidance and Expanded Creativity – Tristine Rainer
10. The War of Art. Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles – Steven Pressfield
11. Writing as a Path to Awakening. A Year to Becoming an Excellent Writer and Living an Awakened Life – Albert Flynn DeSilver
12. Writing from the Body. For Writers, Artists, and Dreamers Who Long to Free Their Voice – John Lee
13. Writing the Natural Way – Gabriele Rico
14. Writing to Awaken. A Journey of Truth, Transformation and Self-Discovery – Mark Matousek
15. Your Life as Story. Discovering the “New Autobiography” and Writing Memoir as Literature – Tristine Rainer

Self-Inquiry & Beyond

1. A New Earth. Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose – Eckhart Tolle
2. Anam Cara. A Book of Celtic Wisdom – John O’Donohue
3. Betrayal, Trust, and Forgiveness. A Guide to Emotional Healing and Self-Renewal – Beth Hedva
4. Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One – Joe Dispenza
5. Change Your Story, Change Your Life. Using Shamanic and Jungian Tools to Achieve Personal Transformation – Carl Greer
6. Embracing Our Selves. The Voice Dialogue Manual – Hal and Sidra Stone
7. Healing Our Deepest Wounds: The Holotropic Paradigm Shift – Stanislav Grof
8. How to Befriend Your Shadow. Welcoming Your Unloved Side – John Monbourquette
9. In Touch. How to Tune In to the Inner Guidance of Your Body and Trust Yourself – John J. Prendergast
10. Inner Work. Using Dreams and Active Imagination for Personal Growth – Robert A. Johnson
11. It Didn’t Start with You. How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and how to End the Cycle – Mark Wolynn
12. Jung and Shamanism in Dialogue – C. Michael Smith
13. Jung on Active Imagination – ed. Joan Chodorow
14. Jung’s Maps of the Soul – Murray Stein
15. Knowing Your Shadow. Becoming Intimate with All That You Are – Robert Augustus Masters (CD)
16. Living Your Unlived Life. Coping with Unrealized Dreams and Fulfilling Your Purpose in the Second Half of Life – Robert A. Johnson, Jerry M. Ruhl
17. Meeting the Shadow. The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature – ed. Connie Zweig & Jeremiah Abrams
18. The New Science of Personal Transformation – Daniel J. Siegel
19. Mirrors of the Self. Archetypal Images That Shape Your Life – ed. Christine Downing
20. Radical Acceptance. Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha – Tara Brach
21. Shadow Dance. Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side – David Richo
22. Spiritual Bypassing. When Spirituality Disconnects Us from What Really Matters – Robert Augustus Masters
23. The Highly Sensitive Person. How to Thrive when the World Overwhelms You – Elaine N. Aron
24. The Places that Scare You. A guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times – Pema Chodron
25. The Power of Focusing. A Practical Guide to Emotional Self-Healing – Ann Weiser Cornell
26. The Power of Now. A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment – Eckhart Tolle
27. The Sacred and the Profane: The Nature of Religion – Mircea Eliade
28. The Tao of Psychology. Synchronicity and the Self – Jen Shinoda Bolen
29. The Varieties of Religious Experience: A Study in Human Nature – William James
30. Women Who Run with the Wolves. Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype – Clarissa Pinkola Estes

About Sylvia Barnowski

Sylvia Barnowski MSW, RSW is a mixed-media artist, a social worker trained in Expressive Arts Therapy, an embodied awareness facilitator, a life coach, and a shamanic practitioner. Sylvia currently works part time as a social worker in a busy hospital Emergency Department where she provides counselling, support and resources to patients and their families going through difficult times in their lives. When not at work Sylvia spends her time on creating, reading, and developing creative and personal growth classes and workshops. She lives in Cochrane, Alberta with her husband, two wonderful children and a cat named Silver. You can connect with Sylvia on Instagram or by visiting her website, Maps to Self.

 

Photographs and artwork by Sylvia Barnowski and used with permission and thanks.

Read more Wholehearted Stories

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Becoming who I really am – a wholehearted story

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